Homecoming

“I think after I got my nose cast off, for me, that was kind of like my birthday in a lot of ways. That’s how I got to start living and start doing the things I wanted to do and making good change in the world.

It became very apparent very quickly how society views women. Dealing with that was kind of rough, but you know that’s just how well it works, right? I wasn’t quite ready for that, and also I didn’t quite believe how different that world can be for me. Coming from Gay Culture in LA, I thought I was like, okay, I have this down. I at least knew I have some basics for how attraction works here, what the rules of the game are. This guy’s over there, sort of like near me, sampling around, looking at the floor, and he walks up to me like he’s lost something or needs, you know, help or directions to where to go in the mall, and like, you know, look at a map or something. But he walks up, and he’s like the six-foot Italian dude. He’s got like the puff jacket with like the abs and like little Ferrari keychain hanging off the belt, like one of those guys, right? And he goes, ‘Hey, can I ask you something?’ I was like, ‘Yeah,’ he goes, ‘I don’t know you, but I want to. Can I do that?’ And I was like, ‘Oh my goodness.’ For me, coming from Gay Culture, I was like, you don’t do that in the open. Like, you could be up, if that happens. Like, why are you doing so if you like guys and I’m a guy? Like, what is this happening? I was like, ‘Oh, I don’t look like that anymore.’ And that was the biggest thing with me, that things are going to be different now.

One of the ways I deal with this foray was getting really deeply into meditation and Yoga practices. It was always very difficult because a lot of it’s like relaxed and like go into your body, feel yourself. But if you’ve dysphoria, then you don’t like your body. So, like, more transcendental stuff is more fun. You want to get out of your body, you want to escape from that. So actually getting to the point where I felt okay with myself and I was okay being physically present in the moment really did a lot for like expanding my yoga practice and expanding my meditative practice because now I was finally in a place where I felt like I was me.”

“When I arrived for my six-month checkup, I remember thinking, ‘Well, golly, what am I going to do with the rest of my time?’ It was suggested to me, ‘Why don’t you visit Land’s End? You have a whole day to yourself.’ I thought that made sense. I wanted to explore what was out there. So, I took a bus ride out to Land’s End and walked down the narrow, rocky path to the beach. As I stood there, right at the end of the continent, something overcame me. I thought about how this place was the melting pot of the bay—a haven for people who had been rejected by other towns and communities, yet they came here and built something new and beautiful in San Francisco.

The day was bright, crisp, and sunny. Wearing a big hat, I walked and walked. Then, to my surprise, I stumbled upon the nude beach. At that time, I was discerning becoming a priest in the Episcopal Church. I had been grappling with reconciling my faith with my gender identity and experiences, striving to show people that it’s possible to be loved by God while embracing your true self—whether you identify as a man, a woman, or somewhere in between. I couldn’t help but think of a passage from Psalm 95, ‘The sea is His, for He made it.’

And then, I saw him—a beautiful boy, completely new, right in front of me, about 20 feet away, entering the water. I thought, ‘This is it. I finally have a body that makes me feel at home and at peace.’ I was there, at the edge of the continent, with the vast ocean stretching before me, feeling profoundly serene and at ease.

In that moment, I felt I could finally exhale. I shed all my clothes and ran into the water. It was like I was reenacting my baptism, naked as I came into this world, feeling utterly free.”

“So, I had been out for eight years by the time I came to see Dr. D. Those eight years were a period of trying to figure out how to navigate the world, wondering if I’d be safe at work, developing a sense of identity after discarding the old one. It was challenging; dating and seeing myself as desirable to others were difficult. I simply didn’t know how to become someone new. When I came to Dr. D in 2020 and underwent the transformative procedure in July, it was an attempt to align the outside with the inside unmistakably.

Until that point, I had undergone breast augmentation and contouring, but my face continued to bother me. It didn’t feel feminine enough, and I often felt dysphoric.

Being a transgender person, it’s challenging to find connections within communities that help us comprehend available resources, who’s offering what, how to access care, and what transition entails. When I started, I had little understanding of the procedures available or their purpose. Facial feminization surgery was something I didn’t fully comprehend at the outset.

It’s disheartening that relying on serendipity or the right online group seems necessary for those undergoing this process. I wish we didn’t have to depend on luck or live in places with accessible transgender care. Many, like me, grew up with limited options and may not even be aware of what they’re missing.

After my surgery and recovery, people noted that I resembled my sister, almost like myself but as my sister. It was incredible how Dr. D managed to maintain my character while aligning it with my true self. It’s magical. His approach reassured me with kindness, comfort, and confidence. I could entrust him with my transformation, and the outcome matched my needs perfectly. There was never a moment of anxiety or doubt. It was among the easiest and most unquestionable decisions I’ve made.

Trusting the process, I emerged transformed on the other side. About a year after the surgery, giving ample time for recovery, I began meeting people. Women I’d never have expected to have an interest in me started pursuing me, asking for dates. I was surprised, feeling like a deer in the headlights due to the unfamiliarity after eight years. In October 2021, during a trip to Europe, I met two women I ended up dating. One, a model, was younger, brilliant, and energetic. She changed my life. The other, a successful doctor, was accomplished in her own right. Both came to me saying they wanted to date me. It dawned on me that the confidence and comfort I’d found in my skin were becoming attractive to others. This newfound confidence has brought fulfillment, happiness, and amazement. I’m all over the place—going clubbing often and excelling at work. I even took over leading our Cloud security team. Everything seems to be going incredibly well.”

“As soon as I came to the conclusion that I am transgender and that facial feminization surgery was a possibility, that’s when my journey truly began. I started seeing consultations with different doctors, initially not fully grasping that facial feminization surgery was an intricate art rather than a straightforward procedure. Through consultations, I realized the importance of being meticulous in my decision-making, considering not only the aesthetic outcome but also my overall health and well-being. Choosing Dr. Chams was a pivotal moment for me. Seeing him, I knew he was the right choice. The worries and anxieties I had carried for years dissipated as soon as I met him. I was confident he would deliver the results that would bring me happiness.

When I received confirmation that my surgery was covered and a date was set, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy. Every day leading up to the surgery, my thoughts were consumed by excitement. Despite the pain following the surgery, my happiness overpowered it. I remember waking up after the surgery, captured on video, with an uncontainable smile. The pain was secondary to the sheer elation I felt.

There are moments of self-doubt that arise, which is understandable given my history of presenting and identifying as male for over two decades. Adjusting to this new reality takes time; it’s a process of healing from past trauma. The surgery was never a magic solution, but it has undeniably increased my happiness. It’s not a perfect journey, but it’s a positive one. I didn’t expect immediate perfection post-surgery; life doesn’t work that way. However, what I can confirm is that it has set me on a path of greater happiness and growth.

Two years post-surgery, I continue to explore and learn about myself. I’m discovering my style, how I want to present myself to others. What makes me happiest is having the choice to be myself. It might sound vague or cliché, but this newfound option of being my authentic self has transformed my life. Before, I felt disconnected from the world, but now, I’m connecting with people, socializing, and embracing opportunities that I never thought possible during my pre-transition days.”

“When I first started my gender journey, it was really about what I was running away from. Then, I was running towards something. And I definitely did not feel at home being a man. I was really good at being a man. I got lots of social success presenting as male. I was very tall, I’m an athlete, a two-time Olympian, a physician. I had all the boxes checked for being the perfect man, and I got plenty of external validation. But inside, I felt like this was a mask that I was building up. And if anyone ever knew the real me inside, I’d be an outcast. I spent years being privately non-binary, trying to suppress my hormones, thinking that maybe that would help. In a way, that was somewhat misguided medical care, to be honest. I could somehow suppress my male hormones and suddenly have a different experience of gender perception. And if anything, it just pushed me more towards realizing that I am not just running away from being perceived as male. I am a woman. I would like to have my life’s interactions, my social interactions. As a social creature, I need to interact with other people and have them see me for the way I see myself. It’s not only the constant misgendering. It’s really that you see people’s wheels turning in their heads, struggling so hard to help you affirm your gender. And it’s just an effort for them. They don’t really see that you. In some ways, it feels to me that those people were doing their best to affirm me, and just having to work so hard because their brain kept telling them over and over, “There’s a male person sitting in front of me.” And it just was an extra mental load for them. And that was reflecting back on me in some way.

It is a sudden change, but you’re also recovering from a surgery. Even though inside my mind, I could see if a switch was flipped, I could see the bone was different, I knew things were going to be different once I fully healed. Immediately, the first thing people see when you’re out of surgery to your face is that you just had facial surgery. That’s the most salient aspect of your initial presentation. So I think implicit gendering comes in second place. The process for me in my gender journey was more gradual. It’s almost like it takes a while for me to integrate all the experiences I have over the course of a day, week, or month. When I realize, kind of in retrospect, looking back on my recent experiences, that, “Wow, I meet people, and they see me, they implicitly gender me female.” The sum of those experiences has a cumulative, powerful impact that does change. I never imagined I would get there. It wasn’t a holistic view that I said, “This is what I’m going to get to.” It was a miraculous discovery that this could even be possible for me. That was the beginning of being an out trans woman, but also feminine presenting and implicitly gendered as feminine. That gave me the confidence to do all the other things that brought me great joy, including being able to talk to a doctor or multiple doctors that said, “I don’t think you should be breastfeeding. I don’t think you should try to breastfeed a child. There’s not enough data on this subject. I don’t want to be doing experimentation. We’re not sure.” But of course, physiologically, mammary glands are mammary glands. They’ve been created by the same molecules in my body as any cisgender woman’s body. And there’s no reason to believe it wouldn’t be fine. I think this is an anti-trans prejudice. I found a physician that was willing to say, “All right, we’ll try lactation induction. We can do extra testing on your blood to make sure it’s safe. We can do extra testing on your milk to make sure it’s safe for the baby.” Of course, it was spoiler alert. It’s actually funny that the first physician that I went to thought that breastfeeding could be “too dangerous.” When I look at the benefit to my mental health and my well-being and my joy that I got from breastfeeding compared to the very legitimate and real joy I had from other gender-affirming surgeries that were certainly from a medical standpoint far greater risk, the fact that a physician wanted to deny me marginal increase in risk from maybe slightly changing my hormone regimen relating to lactation induction is almost outrageous. Given how much it’s meant to me, I can’t imagine ever taking no for an answer. By the time my child was born, I was producing more than they needed, and my production was within a normal range. My milk was as good as any other human being’s milk out there who’s lactating. I’ve been breastfeeding for over a year, and it’s been an incredibly special experience for me as a person, for me as a mother, and for me as a connection with my child.

I feel like there are three steps in which I had an advantage. These doors are opening for a wider percentage of the population. One of the doors that had already opened for me was geographic. I was in a place where there’s a community of medical professionals in San Francisco and in many other cities. Maybe it’s less prevalent in rural areas, where there are physicians competent with trans care and are able to deliver the sort of care that’s necessary. Another set of privilege I had going into this process was I had medical literacy. I was a physician. I had gone to medical school, even if they didn’t teach about trans medicine. I certainly understood the sort of steps that I needed, what was possible in the form of possibility for the medical interventions that would change my anatomy and physiology. Finally, there is a financial piece. I wasn’t in a career that was out of reach from a financial standpoint. I think that the culture is changing in seeveral ways. One is that there’s greater cognizance of these geographical limitations.

Even if you’re in an area that can’t deliver this sort of medical care, you can get to a place and be supported in getting to that place that will help you get the care you need. Secondly, from a medical literacy standpoint, just knowing these procedures exist, seeing the representation in media, and having people explain their journeys, resources that have proliferated in the last decade or two, have opened doors of people’s minds to understand what might be possible for them. Finally, from a financial standpoint, there has been a greater push and trend towards more insurance companies recognizing that this is a critical medical service. It improves outcomes. The details of medicine are always an art, a practice. There’s never one right answer for every person. But we know on average and in total, this is a critical medical intervention that will save lives, improve lives, and bring joy to people. And what more could we want out of medicine than that? Some health insurance companies truly believe that is their mission, and they are covering more and more of these types of procedures, and I hope that trend will continue.”

“How I feel and how I’ve always felt when I was younger is that I was a little girl. You know, I was so confused with the identity that people would place upon me. You know, “You’re a little boy, you should like boy things.” So for me, it was such a confusing time because I knew who I was. I knew exactly how I am and how I identified. And at such a young age, me and my sister, we just both knew without a doubt. My twin sister, who I transitioned with, I wouldn’t be here today without her. I can say that much. How it came about is that we both had these feelings of who we are and who we’re supposed to be. And without her, I would not be where I am today because she’s given me the strength and the courage to continue to fight through all the obstacles, to continue to move forward on days that are hard, that I just don’t want to. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t feel like I look like who I am and how the world sees me. And then, you know, she’s there. She’s always there.

Being transgender in the south is probably one of the hardest experiences that one can imagine. You get stuck in this old way of traditional thinking, this old way of stereotypical thinking. And how I’ve navigated that, I had to be myself. I had to not let anybody know that I was trans. So after that point of my transition, I started my journey of becoming stealth because it just makes life easier. It makes life where I don’t have as much trouble, where I won’t have as many obstacles. And luckily, I was passing enough in my outer appearance where it escaped me. But there were instances where it was scary. There were times where I felt like I was going to be murdered, especially going out and being social. And it kind of stopped me from wanting to live life. It kind of stopped me from wanting to be a social butterfly and just be normal.

I think being a woman is such a phenomenal experience and such a phenomenal part of who I am and how I express myself in the world that shows everyone I’m a woman. But there’s so much more internally to what women are and how women navigate life. It’s completely different. And to be able to align myself with that at such an early age and to be able to know who I am is such an empowering experience. And I think people get so lost. “You are born a man.” No, you were just born. You were born a human. You were born a human. And I think people get stuck in this binary. They get stuck in that, and that’s not fair. That’s not how it should operate. There have been many cultures that have operated differently. You know, we have decided that this is how it’s going to be. No, we get to. We have so many capabilities, and I believe that spiritually and soulfully, we are who we know we’re supposed to be. So for me, navigating womanhood and what a woman is supposed to be is so inherent in my being. I just… I don’t know anything else.

It’s another part of my identity to label myself as a Christian. I am a Christian trans woman, and I want people to realize that the Bible is not a weapon. The Bible is not a tool for condemnation. It’s not a tool for people to criticize, to place judgment, to say that you’re not Christian enough. And I think with the vitriol and hatred that unfortunately a lot of Christians portray towards the LGBT community, it really hurts the message of who and what God is. And God is, first and foremost, love. God created everyone equal. God created everyone to be exactly who they are, and God knew everybody from the moment they were before they were born. So my relationship with God… God knew that I was trans. God knew, and God allowed me the courage, the strength, and the possibility to be able to transition. And through that, I have found strength. So a part of my identity is that I’m a Christian trans woman, and it has allowed me to feel completely accepted and loved. And it’s something that a lot of trans people need: love.”

“A lot of you have come from a very long ways to be here, and it’s fun to bring people that are very important to us all together in one place. And it’s the most incredible thing to see you happy. Look at you, getting all emotional. I know, it’s like the things are coming home to see us.

Thank you.

Going into The Vineyards is always wonderful, it’s beautiful countryside. But I think probably more than anything, it’s just meeting other individuals, hearing their stories, how their lives have changed. I tried to start coming out to people in the year before I got FFS, and it was really hard.

Facial feminization surgery was the most important part for my transition. That was the biggest barrier for me. That’s all I could think about was my face.

Once we have that mirroring of someone looks at our face, their brain tells them, “I’m talking to someone who is female.” That was really a starting point for me, gaining the confidence to present publicly all the time. The day of the surgery, as soon as I woke up and I still have the video, I’m just smiling the entire time. That obstacle is not there anymore. Everything changed, and it changed for the better, and I could not be happier. Life is truly, truly amazing now.

I just have this policy of like, I’m gonna be myself. I lived too long hiding who I was. Also, there’s this whole new world of exploring, and it feels empowering to me. It’s great, it’s like this whole new lease on life where I could be my own person for the first time ever, and it feels like things are finally how they were supposed to be.

The most joyous and liberating experience for me is connecting what I feel on the inside with the outside. I don’t know if people realize how important that is. It’s kind of been surreal to me because I didn’t know what to expect. I came in thinking we were going to have a dinner and go out to Napa Wine Country, and I was very surprised at how special this made me feel.

It’s a sense of community, a sense of home, even though they may be dispersed across the country. I belong to a family.”